Phil Nicols (Husband)
Entered
May 1, 2023
My beautiful soulmate is gone. I lost my best friend. How could this happen!? You were only 56. I can't believe this. We can't believe this. It wasn't meant to be like this. We had plans for the rest of the week. We had plans for the future. I'm completely heartbroken. Your kids are left without a mother and your grandchild without you.
We can't sleep, we can't eat properly. We are completely broken. We go between crying and being mad not at you but at the 'medical system' and the universe.
I go to sleep crying and I wake up crying and everywhere I look I see the emptiness in the house and your pictures now just a memory.
We met when we were only teenagers. I had just turned 20, you were still 19. We've been together ever since, 37 years and married for 30. The best years of my life. I owe my life to you.
Together we started a family. We had a home and everything we needed.
I know the soul goes on and these bodies are just something we are inhabiting for our time here on earth but it doesn't make it any easier.
Maybe we all find out one day that it's much better on the other side without the burden of the physical bodies. Maybe there's so much more, timelessness, no pain no suffering, the ability to go anywhere, see everything, hear everything. Maybe our physical bodies are a limitation of this.. but it doesn't make it any easier.
We told each other we loved each other. Maybe I didn't say it enough or express it enough.
Im trying to help the kids, telling them that no matter what we did, where we traveled to, there could always be more, for no man on earth has done "everything". I try to hang on to this and try to feel that we did enough in this short time on earth.
We loved, we laughed, we cried, we faced challenges together, we traveled, we experienced things that many have not. We started a family. We made memories. Once in a while, I cut the grass and put the garbage out once in a while.
When faced with the end, I tried to make the best decisions I could. You said you wanted to come home. We all wanted you home. I knew that bringing you home would be a one way ticket. I knew that there would be regrets having not tried everything we could to save you. But I also knew that if it was God's will that this be the end, I should have brought you home and I tried. One night we left you in the hospital when you had nothing hooked up to you and Alex and I showed up the next morning with your shoes and coat prepared to take you home but when we got there, they had you hooked up to more IVs and the dr's said taking you home would not end well. So we waited. They kept doing more tests, more infusions, more this and that when we knew our goal was to get you on the transplant list for a liver. Every day, I made this known to the dr's, nurses, hospital / patient liaison and even the CEO of the hospital. I told them you need to be in Toronto and all the tests necessary to just get on the list could have been done by you during the first days you were in the hospital but days went by and we were no closer. Finally when they started to assess you for the "list" it was too late by then.
I pray I did the right thing and If I didn't I hope you will forgive me.
Just know that anything I did was out of love and hope.
Love you always xoxo Phil
