I love you Eric!!! I miss you Hyung!!!
To: My Hyung,
Eric, I am so sorry!!
I never thought anything like this could happen to us.
I want you back so much!!! I would gladly switch places with you!!!
You taught me everything I know, and I know I should've been better to you, but everything I ever wanted was to be, you. Unfortunately for me that meant not taking shit. When your tone gets deeper, and urgent, anyone could tell when you were getting angry, and we wanted no part of it.
I would do anything to see that beautiful smile.
Countless times I look in the mirror and see glimpses of your face in my face. I thank you for being so "jhal sengyuh suh". I get to see your face. I can only imagine what you had to go through looking at this ugly mug. I see your face because growing up you were my father. You fed me, clothed me, disciplined me, and even cleaned my poopoo diaper, but nothing worked. I kept being the shelfish lil me, protected by the harshness of the world by his older brother. I will never match up to you.
I remember you teaching me how to really speak to the Lord in our prayers. We didn't need all the fancy shit, no kneeling, no thous and thus's, you don't even have to close your eyes. Just heart to God, you have to be true to yourself, you can't lie, because you'll only hurt yourself in the end. I'll never say it the way you did. I know you only said it once, but I'll remember, I'll never foget.
I hear your voice all the time. It's replaced the voice of my conscience now. My conscience has been upgraded. I feel you with me, but it can't fill the emptiness inside my soul, knowing, I can't tell you how much you've meant to me. I am so so sorry, for being so so stupid.
I just heard the longest thunder rock through the sky! Could it be you? You know how thunder and base seem to make my blood conform to it. It's like my heart beat just starts to follow the rhythm. Please tell me that's you, forgiving me! And now I'm crying. Writhing in pain, because for you to forgive me only makes me feel more guilty. I know you forgive me but what am I supposed to do with that? You forgiving me does nothing for me, I'm still dying inside. I know I should've been there for you, just once, one time, for all the times you've been there for me. And now all that remains is despair, and I know I deserve it! I notice I can't see you anymore, I'm bowing. As I look up to the sky to see your face, knowing you can't deny how right I am this time, and how I deserve to suffer for what I've done to us, I know I'm right, and I look up, and all I see is your smiling face. That smile that calmed so many souls.
Who's that? I see a figure behind you. You're with Harabuhji, and theres Halmoni. I miss them so much too. But we all know you're the boss up there. You make sure our Halmoni's safe, just like you did our Uhma. Oh our little Halmoni, she loved us so much, I see her gripping you tight like she always did, never letting your arm go. Go ahead, bump Harabhuji's belly with your belly. You don't have to just let us do it, just because we're fat. You can join the fun too. I really wish I was with you guys right now, the pain is too much to bare!
Yeah I know, we can come to this place and be with you guys any time we like. Ask you for your opnion, get you to teach me your golf swing. I still haven't learned to tie the knot in my tie. We just close our eyes and, there you are.
Well, you were right again. I'm still mad about it though. We had so many things we were supposed to do. He shouldn't have taken you away so soon.
I know, He's the one who created the thunder, that convinced off the ledge and I can't blame him. You're right I should be thankful for that. Now I see you in thunder, in my face, when I watch sports, when I drive down the highway, when I look in the sky, when I see a lil child, and when I close my eyes, and in those places that's where God is, and that's where we are all going. I can't wait to feel you cuddle me once again.
I will take care of Mom, she loves you so much you know. We both know we owe everything to that fiesty little lady. You know how bad ass we were as little shits, it was so bad we were taken away from her, but she got is back through all the odds didn't she. She was everything for us.
I'll take good care of her I promise. I will do the things I always should've done. I'll make you proud of me, My Hyung.
Gone too soon. I'm glad I got to see you last year. RIP brotha.
Dearest Eric,
You were always a big brother to me, from the moment we met as little kids. Some of my fondest memories are of all 5 of us little Korean rugrats in grade school, running around the Albion Rd apartment buildings. Collecting golf balls, sledding down the small hill and smashing into the fence, ball hockey in the parking lot, skate boarding in the garage and throwing water balloons and things shoved inside of tennis balls we cut off your balcony in the attempt to hit people. In high school when I felt awkward and insecure, you were always so welcoming and kind. You always treated me like a little sister with care and always made me feel comfortable. I will miss your smile. I hope you're playing hockey and hitting all the golf balls you want in heaven.
Love,
Esther Hwang (I'm Esther Paguandas now but will always be Esther Hwang to many)
Eric 삼춘
Words cannot express our love and gratitude of knowing you. God has blessed us in crossing paths with a gentle giant who was the most selfless, caring and was a shinning light to those who were just around you. We miss you dearly, you will forever be in our hearts. Until we meet again, we love you.
Fly high, be free and happy💙
Eric it was a pleasure to know you over the years playing ball against you and with you . I always enjoyed the chats we had on the bench and after the games, you presence will deeply missed , you always had a nurturing and great sense of humour . I will miss you
