It is said that happiness always comes to those who ask and is invited in but sorrow always arrives on our doorstep unbidden and unwanted. From the moment we are born into this world, we know that there is only one way out. Grief and sorrow must come because of our attachment to this world while we are here. Grieving allows us time to heal as we comfort each more closely. By sharing our fond remembrances together, the sorrow lessens and our treasured thoughts and memories remain forever.
We wanted to share our thoughts and memories about our favorite aunt with you. She was called by many names - Dhanwantie, Indar, Paulie, Auntie Dear, Granny, and she answered to all of them. We’ve always known Auntie Dear to be a cheerful, kind, understanding and easygoing person who “never wanted to give anybody any trouble.” She was always pleasant and always showed a good face. She was warm and fuzzy and she had a very forgiving nature. It always amazed us that she was able to practice the art of forgiveness seemingly without effort and with such zeal. It is no wonder that people were so drawn to her.
She was so easygoing that the word “leisurely” is the one that best describes how she approached everything in life. She never did anything fast. When you were walking with her, you knew that you always had to stop and look behind you to make sure that she was still with you because many times she would be 10-15 feet in the distance as she walked at her own “leisurely” pace while swinging and twirling her handbag back and forth. You could say that she really liked to “stop and smell the roses.” She couldn’t or wouldn’t run to catch anything – the bus, train, boat. In Guyana, we remember her walking to the stelling to catch the ferry and asking anyone who was on their way there to hurry ahead of her “to hold the boat” otherwise she would miss it and would have to wait for the next one.
She hailed from a generation that is quietly and rapidly dwindling - a generation that had a community spirit where each person was valued and they took care of each other. Long before the term “caregiver” was coined and people were given credit for “caregiving”, Auntie Dear was doing just that. She was the sandwich generation. For anyone who doesn’t know what that means, it is the term used to refer to someone who is the filling or the nutrient of a sandwich with top layer of bread being the previous generation and the bottom layer of bread being the succeeding generation. She was a triple decker sandwich generation. She cared for the generation before her (her father), the generation after her (her children) and the generation after that (her grandchildren). She loved her family very much. She made her grandchildren feel special by giving each of them a special nickname that was never to be used with anyone else. Doll, Honeybunch, Baby, Princess – you know who you are.
She sacrificed her time, her energy and her life to care for others. Daughters, mothers and grandmothers are often taken for granted as if that is their only purpose in life. No one asks about their dreams or aspirations or even think that their independence would be of any great value. No young person today can fully understand and truly appreciate the magnitude of her sacrifice to set aside her own dreams, aspirations and independence to care for succeeding generations because no one does that today. So many stand on her shoulders. Her sacrifices can never be forgotten.
Her legacy to her family will remain with them forever. Remember the warm, friendly face seeing you off at the bus stop when you left for school or work in the morning. Remember the smiling face that greeted you when you returned home from school or work in the afternoon. She was always there to provide the physical and emotional reassurance that you were safe and loved. It’s ok, mommy will make it better, grandma will make it better, everything will be ok.
Her legacy to me, her niece, is tremendous and I will always treasure it. As I reflect back, I realize just how much time we spent with her. She taught me a lot. She had her many quirks as we all do and that is what makes each of us unique …. though I could never understand why she couldn’t eat dinner after 3pm …. even when we were on vacation?!
My beloved Auntie Dear was a very religious person. That is not a quirk. She believed in the power of prayer. I believe that is what got her through the tough times and it was the secret to her ability to forgive. She was meticulous in her preparations for religious rituals and prayers. As part of those preparations, she obsessed with cleanliness and hygiene. This was the one area in which she was very strict. She would ask everyone who wanted to help her “Did you bathe? ... from your head? Did you wash your hands? Are you wearing clean clothes?” Females would be asked more personal questions. Quirky?? Somewhat.
As religious as she was, she still believed in having fun. Therein lies a peaceful coexistence. She enjoyed sipping on Napoleon brandy, listening Indian music and watching Indian movies. In Guyana, I remember us walking at night (with the stinging mosquitos) to go to Starlite Cinema to watch the double feature Indian movies on Saturdays whenever I would visit her. This was during the time when she worked 5 ½ days a week at D.A Thani fabric store – the store by which she could only get to by ferry. I believe that it was because she worked at a fabric store that she always knew what was “in” and what was “out”. She also paid close attention to the latest clothing fashions in the Indian movies.
After we migrated to North America, she worked in a factory that produced typewriter ribbons. She was so proud of that job because it gave her a purpose and a sense of her own independence again. She gave me two spools of typewriter ribbons which I still have today! Yes, I still have two manual typewriters from the 1940s and 1970s which have just become more valuable as antiques since I can hear someone asking “what’s a typewriter?” Antiques Roadshow here I come!!
Auntie Dear was a good cook. She made the best kheer. She taught me to make dal puri and sugarcake. She had a very large sweet tooth! She loved pearas and caramels. I would stock her up with those whenever she visited – which was often. She enjoyed travelling with us on vacations. She travelled around the world with us to India, England, France, Germany, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Israel and Egypt. She toured the USA with us as we visited Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Virginia, Washington DC, Maryland, California, Florida and Puerto Rico (with Mom).
In the later years when faraway travel was no longer an option, she came every year to Rochester for her two-week vacation. I took her to visit the beautiful rose garden with the hundreds of varieties of roses, our world famous Highland Park (a flower lover’s paradise) with the hundreds of varieties of lilacs, tulips, magnolias, etc. She really enjoyed those. I took her to the museum (she didn’t like that) and to the malls to shop – she really loved that!! What a bargain hunter! I suppose it was reminiscent of the past during the many times when she had accompanied Sonny, Seeta, Ruby, MaMa, and Betty on their epic shopping trips. The fashionista in her emerged as she was always on the lookout for a new dress for some upcoming occasion.
She didn’t like to read but she enjoyed being read to. I would listen and watch in amusement as my mother seated across from her sister would read “The Far Pavilions” to her and Auntie Dear would be commenting on the story. I joked with them that I thought they were the female version of Laurel and Hardy!
We enjoyed our time spent with Auntie Dear and we have missed her visits. After my father died in December 2019 (an event that was and still is extremely traumatic to me), she came to Rochester a couple of months later for a visit. She was accompanied by Ty and Rena. They came to visit with me on my birthday. She knew how much I needed cheering up because I was having a very difficult time processing everything that had happened. It is that thoughtfulness and that kindness that I will always remember. It is only now that I understand what she felt when her father died and how she knew what I needed at that time. It was the last time that I would see her.
The universe works in mysterious ways and speaks to us all the time. Oh, if only we would listen and pay attention. When she was leaving, I helped her to the car because she couldn’t walk very well. As I lifted her legs to position them properly in the car and I touched feet to make sure that she was comfortable, I heard an inner voice say “This is the last time you will see her, ask for her blessings.” I shrugged it off as me being emotional about my Dad and overly dramatic. As I secured the seat belt around her, she kissed my cheek and said “Thank you, God bless you baby.” Even though we had all said to each other, “See you again soon, maybe in the summer”, the universe had already given me a warning. In that instant, the universe was reinforcing the lesson of how important it is to be kind at every moment because the last time you see someone may be the last time you see them. One month later we would go into lockdown and the whole world changed. The kind words, the kiss, the blessings are the last that she gave me. Our teachers and our guides are the people we least expect and the teachable moments sneak up on us unawares.
As the years passed and she became more frail and the weight of loneliness seeped in, there were many times when she wondered out loud why God wasn’t answering her prayers and calling her home. She really wanted to go home. She didn’t think that there was anything left for her to do. To lighten the mood, I often joked with her that all of her life she had prayed too much and therefore God had rewarded her with an extra-long life. The truth is, I believe that she was still here because she still had lessons to impart to others whether she knew it or not or whether the recipients knew it or not. Each life touches so many others. It is so important to be kind to the old, the sick and the infirm. It is important to see them as valuable and worthy because they are. They were once young and vibrant and enjoyed life. Their spirit remains the same even though their bodies have aged. It is important to engage with them and learn from them. It is important to make the time to visit with them regularly in meaningful ways. I hope the lessons to her pupils were not in vain.
Auntie Dear, thank you for all of your kindnesses and your blessings. We hope you departed this world feeling that your heart was full and that you accomplished all that your Maker expected of you and what Brahma sent you to do. One can only hope that all of your debts have been paid and that you left with a surplus of good karma to be paid forward in your next life should you return. Your prayers have been answered. As the Buddhist Tibetan teacher recites:
When the appearances of this life dissolve,
May I with great ease and happiness
Let go of all attachments to this life
As a daughter returning home.
We can just picture you making your way home at your very leisurely pace as you enjoy the scenery along the way. Godspeed.
